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Boyfriend...

is totally weird.  he told his mom we were together and he wrote me a poem and he says i'm great.  what a creeper!  and then he said he thought about having sex with me.

creepy.

on an unrelated note, if anyone knows how to deal with weirdo stalkers, let me know!

Poem

Charles wrote me a poem for Valentine's Day.

I always knew that; I mean, he told me he was going to.  I was slightly nervous, actually.  I thought it was going to be some silly sappy thing that was overly sugary and just made you embarrassed and want to gag.

But today I read it.  He emailed it to me because it didn't come in the mail in time and I read it...

It was not overly romantic at all.  It was the most amazing thing that anyone has ever done for me.  There are no words that can properly describe the way I felt when I read it.  Stunned comes to mind, but it's still not right.

I'm in love with him.  I can't deny that anymore.  When I think of him I feel like laughing and crying at the same time, and not having him here with me is like a physical ache.  Usually when have a feeling about something I can write about it to make it go away, but I feel like I could write about Charles until the end of time and I'd still feel like this.  Vulnerable and safe at the same time.  Warm.  Happy, giddy, giggly, but sad that he's not here.

I can't stand it.

I can't tell him.  I can't tell him until I see him.  This isn't the kind of thing you can say to someone when you're not face-to-face.  But it's so hard not to.

I love him.

Boyfriend

I am now Charles' girlfriend.

After the other night we are in a relationship.  And it feels... strange.  I mean, I've been single for a while, and even before that, I was with one person for a couple of years.  And I mean, it hasn't really changed since I've said I'd be his girlfriend.  Maybe that's why it feels strange.

To be honest, I still didn't want to.  But I figured I didn't want to be a bitch, and really, what would it hurt? I could always try, I have figured some stuff out, I'm not constantly in the dark places like I used to be.  Plus, Charles is extremely happy, so I'm happy.  He's had kind of a shitty time with people, like me, and he deserves some good.  He deserves something happy.

So we'll see how it goes.

Bitches

Yesterday was supposed to be our Fem Club fundraiser.  We had this craft/bake sale planned - remember how I spent four hours on Sunday baking those cupcakes?

Well, I showed up on Monday at 2 and nobody came.  Rita was there for about five minutes to drop off her banana bread but since out table wasn't set up she had to go to class.  Stacey was there, too, tabling for another group, but she also left.  I would have done it but seeing as how I've never done it so I don't know how and where out signs are and also since I didn't have anything to sell (my cupcakes were on three plates and I was going to need help bringing them over) I couldn't do it.  I waited ten minutes but nobody showed up.

I went back to my room and then to the Women's Center to get the decorating supplies I had dropped off that morning for Emma, who lives in the building next to me and is friends with Stacey.  They were exactly as I had left them, unused.  This pissed me off more, and when I went back to check on the table again, it was 3pm and there was still nobody there.  What's more, there was another group using our reserved table.

I went back to my room to an email from Jen, our president, saying that she was there at 5 and she didn't see anyone... Had she missed the boat, she asked, or had it been like this all day?  But she didn't seem to care.  Which further made me mad.  She has no control over this club and she doesn't give a shit what happens to it.

I spent four hours Sunday, time I didn't have, time I should have been studying for my two exams, and money I didn't have making those cupcakes and now I have nothing to do with them.  And nobody else bothered to show up.  Rita asked me if I was bringing them to the meeting tonight and I said no way.  "Those bitches don't deserve any of these," I said.

I'm fully planning on addressing this there, and never again will I spend my own time and money on anything for that club.  From now on I am officially not heavily invested in it.  It's their own damn fault.

Fight

Charles finally figured out what a psychotic bitch I am.

He responded to my text finally, saying he fell asleep.  And then we resumed our discussion and I added new rules, and then he got mad.  He said he had wanted me to be his girlfriend before my long list of stipulations that were obviously designed to hurt his feelings, but he wasn't going to beg because he had self esteem.  He said what, next he wasn't going to be allowed to call me his girlfriend or kiss me, because that's what Rachel had been like.

Whatever.  I told him I clearly wasn't trying to hurt his feelings and I knew he had self esteem and that it was slightly hurtful that he would think that.  Then I reminded him he knew I wasn't good with people, and it was always much easier to say things straight than to not know what you're doing.  And besides, as I told him, he knew from the very beginning that I didn't want a relationship but he kept pushing.  Was I supposed to put myself in an extremely uncomfortable position for a guy I'd been texting three weeks?  And also, I said, I never said he couldn't disagree with some of the stipulations.

And then I got angry and said sure, fine, he finally realized I'm an arrogant frigid bitch, good for him.  I told him to go back to his twig of a girlfriend (Rachel) and to leave the bitch (me) alone.

And then he said he was in love with me and that he was sorry he said that because he was terribly insecure.  He said he just wanted me to be his.

Now I'm torn.  I could either maintain my anger at him and pick at it like I would usually do... or I could back down and say he's wonderful, like I always say to him.  And admit I'll be his.

I might look like a fool if I back down at this point.

However, it would be a supremely bitchy thing to do if I took all the nice things he ever said to me and turned around and acted mean and cold to him.

Maybe I could do neither.  I could just say "Okay."

I'm slightly nervous that he's starting to use flattery to get out of arguments and I'm slightly uneasy that I really did just behave like an arrogant frigid bitch, but that's me.  And I told him that a long time ago.  And if he still wants it then fine.  I told him I turn into a crazy person but if he still wants that then that's his choice.

And by the way, I texted him "Okay" at 12am February 14, as my text log is now telling me.  He just became my official boyfriend exactly the break of Valentine's Day.  I nearly died laughing at the irony.

Weekend

Friday:
1.  Came back from class and took a nap.
2.  Woke up, worked on valentine cards until late, mailed Charles's.  Cards turned out fantastic.
Saturday:
3.  Got up around 12, went to grocery store to buy things for Fem Club cupcakes.  We're having another craft/bake sale tomorrow so I volunteered to make cupcakes.
4.  Went health food store to buy vegan hair dye in pink.  Also bought cute matchbox for Rita's birthday.
5.  Got home, browsed the internet for a while.  Noticed on hair color website that the actual color (on users) was more like pink.  Panicked slightly, then decided to omit the bleach beforehand.
6.  Did strand test on hair, let set, rinsed, looked perfect.
7.  Got ready to go to Rita's birthday potluck.  Tried curling hair, didn't work so straightened it instead.  Wore navy/white striped dress with black tights, added black cardigan.
8.  Went to Rita's potluck.  Only person I knew was Stacey, said hello, showed her my strand.  Ate spaghetti.  Left.
9.  Got home, realized I forgot to give Rita her present.
10.  Finished dyeing the rest of my hair.  Only streaks, not my whole head.
11.  Did more fooling around online.
12.  Took cold shower to rinse out hair.  (Cold showers help to close up the cuticles in hair in order to trap in the dye.)
13.  Sexted Charles.
14.  Went to bed.
Sunday:
15.  Woke up, got dressed, etc.
16.  Went to Rita's crepe brunch at noon in the kitchen next to my room.  Tried to help her make the crepes, as per her request, as I have made them many times before and she has made them zero times before, but got yelled at instead in front of everyone.
17.  Went back to my room to sulk and cry.  Texted Charles.
18.  Went to get the eggs I lent to Rita.  She had used them all.
19.  Went back to my room.  Vowed revenge on Rita.
20.  Kelly came back and made me go to grocery store with her to buy flour as I could no longer borrow from Rita.  Felt slightly better.
21.  Came back and started on cupcakes, which, of course, turned out fantastic.  (Will put pictures up later.)  Felt much better, helped Kelly make her cupcakes and decorate.
22.  Had (textual) conversation with Charles: "I'm crazy about you Charlie, be my girlfriend."  Ended up reluctantly giving in to being his girlfriend under conditions, and then he didn't respond for two hours.  Still hasn't.  Became furious.
23.  Drove Kelly to friend Zev's house.
24.  Decided to go to bed early in lieu of studying for two exams tomorrow.  Am exhausted.

And that was my weekend.